I suppose this will be one of those confessional posts where I write more about the stuff I’ve been going through and how it relates to my writing. Sorry about that, if not everyone is into it. But see, after going back to work on Monday, I lasted almost all the way through the week before putting myself back on sick leave again. Yay me. I guess that’s what happens when you do things for other people, not for yourself.
I knew I wasn’t ready to go back to work, and that was proven by the complete downward spiral this week ended up in. Some bad stuff happened. I made some mistakes. And even though I recognized the things I did were wrong, I recognized it just a little too late. The memories of what happened this week are probably going to stay with me for a long time, and though I have no desire to talk about them to anyone other than my therapist ever again, it is important that I don’t forget.
The events of this week forced me to ask a very simple question; How many times do you have to hit rock bottom before you learn to stop doing it?
Naturally, with the events of this week (and the one before it, where some sad things happened, as well) my productivity has been, to put it as mildly as possible, complete and utter shit. Sure, I got this membership to the joint work space, but I haven’t used it. Sure, I have been thinking about the scenes I need to write in Spiralling to finish before the end of the month but I haven’t actually written any of them.
It doesn’t seem fair, does it? That the time you most need to be able to focus on some distraction – which is when you’re in pain – is the time it’s hardest to do it.
I don’t really have a point to my blog today besides this; after what happened this week, I’ve already done more to try and pull myself together than I have in the past several months. And this time, I think I have a shot at doing the whole sick-leave thing right, make it work for me and really get better. In the meantime, I need to find a way to make myself spend as much time on writing as I really want to.
It’s time to walk into battle against that monster called Depression. I’m armoring up and sharpening my swords. Battlefield, here I come. Be ready.
Love to everyone who’s struggling with anything out there. I know you can fight it.