Look, I’m writing a post today!! I know I missed last week but this time it was a good thing, I swear. It was my birthday on Monday, so I took a long weekend and went to Norway, where I crashed in my parent’s apartment (even though they are currently in Spain – thanks for lending me your home, parents!). The whole weekend, I had no massive plans. No obligations. No pressure to live up to. It was just me relaxing in my parent’s home, going out when I felt like it, seeing my brothers and my niece, spending time with one of my best friends… It was just four days of relaxing nothingness. And it did me a world of good, like a bucket of ice water clearing the fog in my head.
After my birthday, I started feeling more like myself again. More myself than I’ve felt in a very long time. I suddenly remembered who I am, and it came over me like a light. I swear I’d forgotten.
I’d let my depression and anxiety reduce me to a old piece of paper, fragile and broken and too easy to tear apart. I forgot that there is so much more to me than that. I forgot that I am a brave person who twice in my life made my dreams come true by hard work and taking risks. I forgot that I am a strong woman who has made it to age 26 when my younger self felt that was an impossible dream. I am a thoughtful person who takes realistic stock of what’s going on inside me and considers thoroughly what it is I want, and once I figure it out I am a dedicated person who will do what I need to make it happen.
I am fucking fantastic. When I am at my best, I’m the kind of strong-willed, dedicated and confident person I want my niece to grow up as. And if my best self is so great, why the hell have I wasted so much time being my worst self? A shadow of a person, a pale imitation of the real me? I’m done wasting time on her. I can feel her under my skin but I refuse to just give in to her anymore. I am done letting her win.
Step aside, Weak Rain, because your stronger self is back and she can fucking take you in a fight.
So that’s my life update. Let’s move on to writing.
Where I have been finding myself again as a person, the writer part of me has been slacking off a bit. I’ve been super dedicated to my critique group and the story I’m now submitting to them, but when it comes to Blade of Broken Bones, I have really fallen behind. Not because I don’t want to tell the story anymore – I do – but because I want so badly for it to be done that I get discouraged from working on it because I remember how much is actually left. Fellow writers, I know you understand what I’m saying. We’ve all been in this mood. It’s a weird, contradictory mood, but familiar to us even so.
I’m hoping that getting myself back on track was the first step in getting back to my regular writing schedule. I definitely need to get better at writing every day again. I know a lot of people say it’s not necessary to force yourself to do that, but I always feel so much better, happier and healthier when I write every day.
Also *deep breath* I have been seriously considering starting to upload videos on YouTube. Probably not one with a ton of writing advise since I’m still learning so much, but maybe with a little bit of talking about my own writing life and also some “write with me” length videos. I find the virtual-write-ins so helpful during NaNoWriMo, I like feeling like I’m working with someone. So weird as it sounds, I’m considering some long videos where it’s pretty much just me writing, maybe listening to music and occasionally saying a few words, and anyone who wants someone to “write with” can just put it on and hopefully feel motivated to get some work done.
That’s something I’m thinking more and more seriously about these days. The chances of me doing it are growing every day. I’ll keep you posted.
This was almost long-ish (in a short way) considering it was just an update on where I am right now, but even if this is boring content to some of you, I’m honestly just proud that I managed to write a proper blog post for the first time in quite a few Saturdays.
Thanks for being patient with me! You are all very much appreciated.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a novel to write.