The Never-Ending Cycle

In the spirit of efficiency, I decided to do some of my Saturday work before my blog post today, which is why this is a wee bit later than usual. Good news is, I’ve successfully gotten a thing or two out of the way already.

Today is another one of those days where I have no idea what to write about, but I feel I’ve done so many short, random rambling posts lately that it doesn’t seem fair to anyone to do that again. And since it’s been at the forefront of my mind this week, I think I’ll write a fun little post about mental health this week. It will still be brief (I’ve got stuff to do) but at least it should qualify as content and not just filler.

It’s been a strange few weeks. Months really, if I’m honest. I’ve realized that I’m stuck in this never-ending pattern, this cycle, and if I ever want to break it, I need to make actual changes to my life. Which is scary as fuck.

Here’s how the cycle goes; I’m extremely depressed, heavy-duty, curled-up-on-the-couch, don’t-want-to-get-up-in-the-morning depressed for a few weeks or months, depending. I eventually take a few days, maybe longer, away from the world and try to steady my own head, find my way back to myself. Inevitably, I run out of time or money and have to go back into the world before I’m ready, forcing myself to be ready because I can’t afford to not be okay any longer. So I go back in the world, it’s hard but slowly it turns out that I’m fine. Getting up in the morning isn’t a hassle, the days are totally okay, I’m maybe even happy, giddy, energetic, excited, and I’m able to handle the complications and challenges of daily life. Until there comes a challenge I suddenly can’t handle. Not even a big one; just a normal, work-life challenge that feels like too much. Pressure builds, expectations rise, and I realize it’s way too much and crumble under it completely. Then we’re back to depressed.

I’ve realized about myself that I can’t handle the kind of pressure and expectations that all humans have to deal with in order to live a normal life. Every single job comes with pressure and expectations, and in all the very normal, non-life-threatening jobs I’ve had in my adult life, the pressure has always become too much and forced me to change jobs. The problem is, I just change to different jobs of the same kind. Office jobs with deadlines and set learning-curves and expectations of you to grow and become independent quickly after starting. These things shouldn’t be such a big deal that they eventually crush your ability to deal, but that’s exactly what happens to me, every single time.

But I need a job to live. So this time, though I know I can no longer handle the pressure of my current job, I can’t just switch to another, similar situation. Work, school and social life has always been the trigger for my depressive episodes, and if I don’t drastically change my work life, I’ll never get to a place where I’m stable enough that depression doesn’t totally destroy my ability to function.

So I’m looking for a new job, even as I struggle to get by in my current one. But the job I need doesn’t exist, and I need to find it anyway. I have no qualifications except my work experience and my high school diploma, and with those limited qualifications I need to find a job with pressure so low I can handle it, low expectations, and that still pays enough that I can keep living the life I want. It doesn’t exist, but I’ll keep looking. Because if I want to break the cycle, I need to change my life, and the only way that will really happen is if I find a way to make money without breaking my spirit.

It’s been a rough start to the year.

Sorry if that was kind of a bummer, but I needed to get it out into the world, I needed to get it off my chest because these thoughts are overwhelming me with their impossibility and necessity. This has to happen, and somehow I have to make it happen, and I have no idea how.

Wherever you are in the world, whatever you’re doing, I hope you’re dealing with it better than I am. I’m really proud of you no matter what.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a novel to write.