Introduction of a Horny Half-Dragon

Welcome. If you’re reading this you’re probably in the market for a private detective, and some helpful soul directed you this way. I believe in an open and honest relationship between detective and client, and I’ve found it makes my clients more comfortable and therefore my job easier if that honesty goes both ways. So before you hire me, allow me to introduce myself. Give you some idea of what you’re walking into here.

My name is Velvet Valentine, and I’m half incubus.

I know women are technically succubi, but I am not a succubus, I’m half incubus. As in, my father is an incubus. The distinction is important because when people think you’re pure succubus, there tends to be some misunderstandings regarding the nature of my business.

I praise the Seas I didn’t turn out pure sex demon like my father. Being the daughter of an incubus has left me with an incurable, never-ending horniness and a need for sexual gratification at least every other day or else I go insane, but I don’t have a hankering for your life force. Lucky me, my mother’s genes managed to sneak into some areas of my life.

See, I’m also half dragon.

Not in the usual way meaning my mother is one of those dragon species who can turn human at will. If only it was that simple. No, my father wanted an offspring that was his, without a mother to claim custody and child support all that nonsense, which is why he decided to use an abundance of experimental, dangerous and very expensive magic to turn a pure, female dragon into a human woman for one night only, impregnate her, and turn her back to a dragon to lay the egg with their person-shaped, half-incubus, half-dragon offspring inside.

That’s right. I was hatched.

From an egg.

And my mother flew away back to the Red Hills as soon as I hatched. Talk about teenage identity issues, I cannot even tell you. But I got over that a few years ago and it in no way impacts the quality of my work. Most days. Usually I am a confidant woman in her late twenties, completely at peace with being a constantly horny half-breed who can spew fire and make my hands glow. 

Though it doesn’t always help that my father decided to name me Velvet.

Velvet Valentine. Because the half incubus/half dragon needs a name that makes her sound as much like a stripper as possible.

If the world was fair, I would at least be able to fly.

Really, though, I’ve made the most of my situation. I was raised in Sagemill, which really isn’t a place suited for children, but under my father’s watchful eye I learned a lot about how the dark and dirty parts of our world works. That will be to your benefit if you hire us. 

If you’ve ever experienced Sagemill for yourself, you’ll understand when I say that I got the hell out of there as fast as I could. I was fourteen and got lucky. Made a home for myself in the orphanages of Norhill – not the perfect situation, but it was a step up.

Home of the lost souls with nowhere else to go, the lost children of Hurst all seem to end up in Norhill. At least there were plenty of other messed-up kids like myself. Even kids more messed up. Being a freak in Norhill is the same as being normal.

If you’re from Westerland or Corton or somewhere big and fancy like that, and you’ve had a functional family where your parents had regular jobs and you lived in a respectable neighborhood, then you will stand out like a sore, unusually clean thumb on a stroll through Norhill.  ‘Normal’ does not belong in this town.

Not to say that there aren’t happy families in Norhill, they just… work differently. Take my best friend, for example. I met her about a week after I walked into this city.

Allow me to introduce you to my partner in crime-solving; Burgundy Maxwell. Burgundy comes from big, mostly happy family. She’s a mermaid and one of seventeen siblings. Her family has a beautiful home in an underwater cove in Wintersea, just by the coast of Norhill. You know that big, stony beach all the locals go to? It’s close to that. Most of her siblings have fled the nest, some going as far as Corton and Morlyn, but most of them are settled in Norhill.

Burgundy got out of the water and moved in with her big sister and her husband at age sixteen, when the cove became just a bit too crowded for her.

We ran into each other – literally – on the street one day, and both started yelling at each other instead of apologizing. I noticed her naturally green hair, thought it was amazing, and asked if she wanted to go for coffee and yell at each other some more.

She said yes, and we’ve been best friends ever since.

Burgundy Maxwell could also sound like a stripper’s name, but hers at least makes sense. Her hair may be as green as over-lush grass, but when she’s in water and her tail reveals itself, her scales range from gorgeous dark red to earthy brown.

I’m just saying, don’t judge my partner by her name. Me, you can feel free to judge all you want. Most of your assumptions are probably accurate.

Burgundy and I were inseparable from day one. I spent more time at her sister’s place than I did in the orphanage. The streets between the orphanage and her apartment complex became our playground, or territory, our hood. We knew it like the back of our hands and everyone in those streets knew us.

We were reasonably clever kids, overly obsessed with justice and finding the answers to riddles and mysteries. I guess we just really loved knowing things. Not having the answer to a question is the most massive thorn in our sides. If anyone in our circle had a problem, we volunteered to help solve it, if for no other reason that we couldn’t walk past an unanswered question without finding the truth.

So naturally, when Burgundy finished school and I outgrew the orphanage, we started our own P.I. firm.

Valentine & Maxwell: Private Investigators.

It was perfect, it was our dream, and we made it happen. And if you contact us, you are going to be very happy that we did. It was hard work getting started, but there are few things we set our minds to and don’t see through. None, as a matter of fact.

And that is how we, Velvet Valentine and Burgundy Maxwell, ten years into the business, have become some of the most respected private investigators in Norhill and the surrounding cities. Okay, that one might not be scientifically proven, but we are undoubtedly the hottest.

That’s our backstory. We’ve had a lot of adventures so far, solved a lot of mysteries, and we would love to help you solve yours. If this background information has convinced you to reach out, we are looking forward to your appointment.

If you still have doubts, I am eager to keep talking you into our office. Perhaps it would help if I told you the story of one of our past cases? I give you my word, all necessary documents have been signed by our client giving us full permission to use this story for marketing purposes. She’s even be willing to give you a recommendation if you feel like reaching out. Her card will be in the envelope you received.

I want to use this case because it is one of the most important ones we ever worked on. Maybe I feel that way because I sorta died in the course of the investigation. Maybe it’s for other, much more enjoyable reasons…

Are you hooked yet? I promise it will all make sense in the end.

But let me start at the beginning…